Change

I have so many thoughts running through my head that's it's almost overwhelming me right now. I had dreams growing up of what my life would be like. Of what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be married to and I had accomplished all of that. I had what I thought was the perfect life. I had my husband, I had my home, I had my job, I had my family, and I had everything I ever needed. I was happy!! I can remember driving in from Birmingham to visit with my family and the happiness I felt just knowing I was coming home to the best family a girl could ever ask for. I would be so anxious to get home to be with them that I would accumulate many tickets over the next 3 years.

Then in a matter of minutes my life took a drastic turn. With 2 phone calls my life would slowly start crumbling and the once Happy feeling would be replaced with worry. With 2 phone calls my life would start falling apart. My family would start falling apart. With 2 phone calls my heart would be broken and the thought of I don't know what I would do without them in my life would turn into reality. It would turn into the thought of knowing I would have to face this soon and sooner than I ever thought possible.

The next months to follow were phone call after phone call of bad news. Then Feb. 6th 2005 the phone call that I got telling me that my father was dying would change me forever. It would turn my life into chaos. It would break me. Just rip my heart out of my chest, rip my family apart. I held on to him not wanting to let go. We needed him to keep us family.

Now I'm numb. I feel like I don't belong. Everyone always says I'm here for you if you need anything, but really that is just words to make them feel better. Can I call them sure I can, but would I no. Do they come to see me or call when in town, no. The people I could always count on are no longer there. It's me now! It's me to figure things out on my own. To ask complete strangers for help. To trust complete strangers to do right by me.

I'm grieving for the family I lost so many years ago. I'm grieving for the Jealousy I have towards other people that still have that happy family. I'm grieving for the girl that sat in the hospital room and held her dads hand and didn't want to let go. I'm grieving for the girl that is trying to hold on to her life she once had only to realize it has changed. It's changed forever and it's never coming back.